A Famous Retrospective:
The Checkout Girl

When Katie first emailed me about a show the Richmond Comedy Coalition was putting together that was to include a new feature called “Richmond Famous”, I was perplexed. First, I took a second to wonder if she had sent the email to the wrong person. Like maybe there was another The Checkout Girl in Richmond who maybe actually was suitable for a live comedy show. After seeing that she had used my real name and figuring that THAT Checkout Girl having the same first name as I was a really long shot, I emailed her back without even fully reading the details of the show because, you know, she called me “famous”. Flattery will get you everywhere, Katie!

She said that the RCC wanted me to perform in a show where I would tell stories (sort of my thing) but, as one email stated “And we can’t emphasize enough, being funny isn’t necessary.” Not necessary? But I’m hilarious! I told myself that surely this was a form letter and better suited to some of the people they would ask to be part of the show in the future. In fact, they would need that reassurance. But, not me. Because, as I stated, I’m hilarious. And charming. And humble.

When the die was cast and the date set, I attended one of the RCC’s rehearsals. You know, to feel them out. And list them in order of humpaliciousness. That list resides in my nightstand drawer, to be opened only upon my death. Anyway, the group invited me to participate in some wacky improv warmup exercises, which I’m pretty sure is just another name for Wiccan fertility rites. I informed them that I wasn’t a virgin and they might be barking up the wrong sacrificial tree, but did so in a whisper, in case number one on the Humpalicious List was interested. Shouting “Hey! You guys! I’m not a virgin!” only works as a mating call on college campuses, as far as I know. I played their little improv games and actually had fun. However, it was clear by the end that they wouldn’t be asking me to be a member of their fancypants coalition anytime soon. Their loss.

Finally, it was the night of the big show at Gallery 5. I looked hot as crap and so did the RCC group. The stand-up comedian also looked quite attractive, in a disheveled, devil-may-care way that only handsome men can get away with. On women, we call it “goin’ to WalMart”, but I’m not bitter. The comedian (really, a very talented man named Bill Metzger) did his thing and got the audience in a jovial mood. During the intermission, we warmed up with some more crazy improv games which, by this time, I had mastered. It’s how I do. Eventually, it was my turn to go on stage.

Now, to say I was nervous is sort of misleading. Yes, I hadn’t been on stage since my high school production of Brigadoon, but I knew the stories I wanted to tell and knew they would come if I just let them. It happened just that way. First, I told the story of taking a 35-year-old’s virginity. Big, real laughs. The kind you don’t get to experience when typing a story up for publication. It was wonderful. I took a break while the RCC improv’d for a bit, inspired by my story. Then I told another of what it was like to work as an “adult voice actress” on a phone sex line. More laughs, more real connection. Another round of improv, and the show was over.

So, the first go at Richmond Famous was a success. The audience loved it, the Richmond Comedy Coalition seemed to love it, and I definitely loved it. I’m inspired now to write my own show and put it on. You know, like you used to do for your family but, like, charge people to see? So, like I used to do for my family. I’m so thankful that RCC invited me to be a part and am guilty of encouraging, nay insisting, that some of my other storytelling friends participate in the series, as well. I promise to, as I get more famed, keep Katie and the rest of the RCC in my heart with the little people who helped me along the way. And, if they get more famous than I do, to gossip about them, destructively. Celebrity is a bitch, people. Hearts!

Jennifer Lemons can usually be found with either her laptop or blackberry attached to her fingertips, updating her twitter feeds as @thecheckoutgirl and @fyeahmotherhood. She also shares adventures beyond the 140 at fuckyeahmotherhood.com. She is writing both a book about her experience as an “adult entertainer” and a show based on her column 100 Bad Dates which will be debuting in a living room near you.

RICHMOND FAMOUS returns to the Gallery5 stage on Friday, November 12th and will guest star the ladies of Mother State Roller Derby. Get more info about THAT show at this internet location.